Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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