Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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