Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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