Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
