I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize