1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Randomize
