the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I deserve this hangover.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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