Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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