She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
