i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
