Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
