His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
