I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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