My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
