Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
