You're my little dorito
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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