Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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