My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
