I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Randomize
