Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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