I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
