Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Randomize
