Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
