Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
