they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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