party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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