my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
