He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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