My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
