I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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