I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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