meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My vagina is officially offended.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
