he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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