im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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