Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
