I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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