Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
