it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
