So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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