I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize