Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
