Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
My bed smells like the plague
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
