I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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