shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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