I puked a lego.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
