dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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