you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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