well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Randomize
