he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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