That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You smell like a Billy Joel song
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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