whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
