when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
