I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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