If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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