Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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